For Renee Simard, the loss of her mother Wendy brought an "incredible feeling of guilt."
Renee moved her mother into the St. Albert Chartwell Retirement Residence in September. As her mother's essential care worker, she was hyper vigilant in following all of the public health measures, especially when entering and leaving the facility.
On Dec. 9, Wendy took a COVID-19 test. On Dec. 11, Renee got the news that her mother had died.
Wendy's tests came back positive for COVID-19 three days later.
Renee is one of a growing group of St. Albertans mourning the loss of loved ones during a time when funerals and in-person supports are restricted.
Cameron Connelly, funeral director with Connelly-McKinley St. Albert funeral homes, says he saw 65 virtual funeral services held in December alone – the most he's had in one month in the last decade.
With in-person attendance currently limited to 20 people in Alberta – a cap that was only recently increased – virtual services open up funerals to a wider audience at home, he said, though some families are choosing to hold off on having a service until restrictions loosen up.
"We do (virtual funeral services) to hopefully have families see some value in having the service and not delaying it," he said.
"We know it isn't ideal but we certainly know the negative effects that the delay can have on people's psyche, people's emotional well-being. Our purpose is to make the process have as much semblance to a normal grieving process that a funeral can provide, knowing that it can be really challenging with the restrictions."
Grief is a natural and unique experience for everyone, but experts say it's important to let yourself feel those emotions rather than put them aside. People are grieving the loss of those who have died, the loss of a business, employment or their way of life during the pandemic.
"We really emphasize that everybody's grief journey is unique to them. There's no timelines, there's no stages, and there's no expectations. Give yourself time and space to grieve, be open and accepting of your own emotions," said Libby Kostromin, graduate practicum student with Rivers Edge Counselling in St. Albert.
"Don't expect yourself to function like you normally would. It's really normal for people to notice changes to their sleeping patterns, to their eating patterns, to their thoughts. It's really normal for there to be changes."
It can be difficult, but make self-care a priority, Kostromin said. Do activities you enjoy doing, be in the moment and express yourself through creativity.
"Things like journaling, meditation, listening to music, creative art projects, cooking – all of these things are still very much available to us. Sometimes it can be about creating different kinds of activities to nurture yourself and look after yourself," she said.
People can find it hard to be with others who are grieving because of the big emotions involved: the sadness, anger, sorrow and guilt, Kostromin said. She said to push through those anxieties and reach out to those going through loss – even the simple act of listening or sending them a message of love and support can go a long way.
Rivers Edge Counselling Centre regularly hosts free eight-week grief and loss groups through video counselling. There, people can share their experiences, learn coping strategies, and receive support from others in the group. Sessions run from 7 p.m. to 8:30 p.m. For more information, or to register for the upcoming spring group, call 780-460-0022 or email [email protected].
To get a better understanding of how St. Albertans are experiencing grief, the Gazette spoke with two St. Albert residents who have lost loved ones during the pandemic.
The loss of a mother
Once Wendy Simard's test results came back positive, Renee started experiencing symptoms of the virus herself. Just days after her mother's death, Renee tested positive for COVID-19.
Still reeling from the loss of her mother, Renee went into isolation for two weeks.
During that time, she said she didn't know whether the symptoms she was experiencing were related to COVID-19 or grief. She stopped eating, she had terrible headaches, she was constantly crying. She was alone.
"You have a lot of time to think, and it's really hard on your brain. Your face hurts because the tears eat away at the top layers of your cheeks after a while. There's tears for the loss, there's tears for the fear," Renee said. "You get afraid to go to sleep because you don't know if you're going to wake up. I suddenly got afraid for my own daughter. Is she going to come in and find me stone cold in my bed?"
Having friends and family call helped Renee get through the two weeks, she said. They answered her calls at 2 a.m. when she was sniffling on the other end of the phone. They Facetimed whenever they could so Renee could see another human face.
"At least, if you can't see them, you can at least hear them. And they can tell you you're going to be OK, even if you don't believe them at the time."
Now, Renee is trying to figure out how she is going to gather all of her mother's belongings from her apartment. Out of concern for others, a funeral for her mother was put on hold. Renee said she feels she hasn't gotten a chance to really mourn the loss of her mother.
"I have booked my nervous breakdown for the first two weeks of February. After we're clear of the apartment, I get two weeks to go back to bed."
The loss of family, friends
Kyla Mandrusiak, vice-president of the St. Albert Kinettes, has experienced an incredible amount of sorrow since lockdown measures began.
In the last year, Mandrusiak said she knew 23 people in St. Albert who died from suicide, drug overdose, or health complications. This includes her mother-in-law. None of them were diagnosed with COVID-19, but many of them lost businesses, they lost their homes, and they lost their sobriety because of the pandemic.
"For the first time in my life, I'm on anxiety medication, depression medication. It's just everywhere. I've lived in St. Albert for 41 years. I raised my kids here. The people I'm seeing lose everything," she said.
"There was some weeks where I was losing three people between overdoses and suicide. At one point, I wasn't answering my phone, because I didn't want to know any more."
In December alone, Mandrusiak lost her best friend of 37 years due to surgical complications in hospital. She never got a chance to say goodbye or hold a funeral for her. Just last week, another friend died from a drug overdose. Not being able to have a proper funeral or grieve in-person with others "keeps me up at night," she said.
"We've never had a time in our world where we were told we can't have a funeral. It's part of the grieving process, to be able to say goodbye, to be able to talk and to grieve together and to hear stories of each other. Not to have that ... it doesn't seem real, and it adds up. I'm just full."
From April to June last year, 301 people died of accidental opioid overdoses in Alberta, compared with 148 from January to March, according to data released by the province.
St. Albert does not have enough resources for people to access help for addiction, homelessness, or mental health, Mandrusiak said. She thinks the city should focus on bumping up mental health and addiction resources, given the impacts of the pandemic.
"We have to start dealing with all of the crises that we're in. We're in a financial crisis, we're in a mental health crisis. We're in a drug crisis. And we're in a COVID crisis," she said. "But if we only deal with one crisis, we're missing our targets."
