We have all been told, “Treat others how you would have others treat you,” or some similar version of that. I believe that adage is not only fundamentally flawed, and should not be employed, but is to blame for generations of broken marriages and friendships.
This adage makes a very incorrect and dangerous assumption that we all share the same values and moral fiber. Things couldn’t be further from the truth.
We all want to be treated in a fashion that brings us happiness, so we treat others in that fashion expecting them to reciprocate. However, the other parties involved are treating us the way that brings them happiness. The chances of those behaviors being identical are remote at best. That is the basis for what I believe either brings us closer to others or splits us apart. One will naturally gravitate to people that act as they themselves do. When one encounters someone who is “cut from the same cloth,” it merely means that they act the same in many different situations.
Marriages and friendships break up when one or both parties just isn’t picking up what the other party is putting down. If you are a “hugger” and hug everyone you encounter, half the people you meet will be put off and try to avoid you in the future. If you are a person that likes to be left alone with your thoughts when upset, it drives you crazy when someone is in your space asking questions and trying to talk it out. If you are a neat person, someone who leaves dishes in the sink, drives you mad. Why? The other party is just treating you and his environment the way they like. Isn’t that the Golden Rule?
I believe marriages start with couples treating each other the way they like to be treated. That doesn’t work. Then they start telling the other person how they want to be treated. That probably doesn’t work in the long run. Then they come to a cross roads:
1. They accept the fact that their spouse isn’t going to change, and figure out a way to tolerate each other.
2. They divorce.
3. They begin to recognize how the other wants to be treated, and change the way they treat each other, even if that behavior is contrary to their own nature.
I believe that the third option is why people say marriage is “hard work”.
Companies spend millions of dollars a year on programs like Myers-Briggs to help employees recognize the different personality styles that exist in the work space. The basis of all the personality profiling programs are to treat each employee in a manor that will motivate them to be as productive as possible. Why do we restrict ourselves to only using those strategies at work?
The secret to success is not to treat others how you want to be treated. But rather, spend some time observing others, and treat them the way they want to be treated.
Rick Owen, St. Albert
