Recently I saw a photo of schoolchildren creating posters for an anti-bullying campaign.
The poster slogans called to mind a mild version of the mass hysteria and moral panic of Colonial North America’s reaction to witches in the 1500s. “Report a bully!”, “Don’t be a Bystander, be an Upstander!”, “Say ‘No’ to bullying!”
There’s that focus on “the other,” on reporting, and on criminalizing perceived offenders. As it was with witch hunts, blaming and condemning remain ineffective. They simply fuel disconnection and fear.
I am in no way condoning bullying. I recognize it is traumatic for the victim, sometimes leading to lifelong insecurities and even suicide. I just take issue with a righteous puffing up and pointing a finger at someone.
As my 13-year-old daughter said of the movement, “Telling people to stop bullying is like telling people to forget something that caused damage and filled them with feelings of hate or sadness.”
Hurt people hurt people. Singling them out with shame and ridicule deepens their trauma and lessens their ability to cope and behave respectfully. Bullies are people who need resources and positive attention, not condemnation and isolation.
Let’s agree that prevention of bullying is more effective than the identification of it. The character education movement that emerged since the tragedy at Columbine in 1999 has taken us partway towards prevention of bullying. Some programs offer hands-on engagement that builds connectedness, compassion and inclusivity.
I wonder if we could take character education a level deeper to foster skills of self-reflection and self-soothing. Becoming aware of our own struggles and limitations, we’d recognize that as we point a finger at some bully, we’d have three fingers pointing back at ourselves.
Nobody is all sweetness and sunshine. We all have that darker side that gets agitated, snippy and short, and possibly aggressive. Consciously getting to know ourselves, including what sets us up for bad behaviour, then learning how to talk ourselves down or reach out for support is truly self-responsibility.
We all know adults (maybe even ourselves at times) who are bright, even well-educated, but can’t sort themselves out when their stress level gets high. Sometimes their frustration turns to aggression.
Taking personal responsibility for our wellness and emotional balance provides positive role modelling for the children in our lives. Sometimes I warn my kids that I’m in a bad mood and then maybe I’ll retreat to my room and sort myself out with a phone call to a trusted friend or some journalling.
Teaching skills of effective communication, self-reflection and self-soothing can enrich our education system. My oldest daughters had a wonderful Grade 3 teacher who shared her yoga training for their benefit. She often lead them in deep breathing and relaxation poses and I found my kids using these skills at home sometimes to settle themselves.
This is not a bunch of hocus-pocus. Bullies (and witches) have gifts and talents to offer, if only we offer them a sense of belonging, some compassion and support. It starts with addressing the one in each of us.
