When Jen Shymko and her eight-year-old daughter Karlee began to butt heads, she knew something had to change.
That's when the Spruce Grove mother of three began running In Her Beauty mother-daughter groups, a way for moms and their pre-teens to talk about the challenges of growing up.
"I recognized there was a lot of stuff out there for moms with babies and moms with toddlers," said the former nurse and pre-natal educator. "But there was nothing for moms and daughters to just hang out and get to know each other better."
"The more I read, the more I recognized it is important to grow that bond between moms and daughters. Our society thinks that it's a natural thing to grow apart."
Shymko has been running the groups for free in Spruce Grove since February. She has decided to expand the business to St. Albert where they will be held at Java Mama.
There will be charge of $300 per year for moms and daughters to attend monthly meetings starting in the fall. Groups will be offered for girls aged seven to nine and 10 to 12 years old.
Building a bond
One of the resources that inspired Shymko to start the group was the Mother Daughter Project, organized by a group of mothers in the U.S. in the late 1990s. Their goal was to stay connected with their daughters through adolescence.
In the groups Shymko hosts, she acts as a facilitator for discussions on topics ranging from friendships to bullying, self-esteem, body image and puberty.
The group learns from each other, shares advice and their experiences, she said.
Before starting each session, Shymko sits down with the moms and asks them to reflect on their relationships with their own mothers.
"A couple moms had really rocky relationships with their own mothers and it brought them to tears to think about how difficult their moms' lives were when they were teenagers," she said.
The exercise also impacted her personally.
"It's changed my perspective on who I thought my mom was. Looking at her path, I understand now why she did things certain ways," said Shymko.
"We parent the way we were parented. If the mother's mother was available, patient and understanding, that can certainly be passed down," commented Susan Grinder, a registered psychologist who works with children and adolescents as a school counsellor as well as in private practice.
With stresses at school for high achievement, social pressures and a growing need for independence, adolescent girls will often clash with their parents yearning to guide them, explained Grinder.
"It's harder to keep the lines of communication because they often need a lot of privacy and a lot of space. The parents' job is to really make an effort to make sure there is family time and communication," she said.
The lines of communication become even more strained around puberty and sexuality.
"(Girls) might hear more from teachers that are teaching health than from their mom, but it's so much more valuable coming from Mom," said Grinder.
Parents should initiate discussions with their adolescent children, advised Grinder. They can do it while playing sports or using positive reinforcement – like a shopping trip.
For more on this program, check out www.inherbeauty.ca.
