Roughly three years ago on a beach in Mexico I had the privilege of saying “you may kiss the bride” to one of my favourite couples. A few months earlier, one of my best friends asked if I would officiate their wedding ceremony. You see, many Canadian couples that get married in Mexico have the legal paperwork done in Canada and then have the ceremony for friends and family on the beach. So I needed no qualifications as legally they were already married.
When I agreed to do the ceremony I was overwhelmed with the responsibility. You see my friend Trina had talked for years about how magical she wanted her eventual wedding to be. I really didn’t want to screw it up.
I spent a lot of time pondering what makes a good marriage. Was it love, attraction, respect or luck? In my experience a good marriage is all those things but in my opinion those are not the base. What I have come to believe is that commitment is the base of a good marriage.
I was married once before in my early 20s. He was a great partner, a moral person and a smart man. It didn’t work out. Not because I didn’t love him, that I didn’t respect him but because at that stage in my life I was incapable of understanding what commitment really meant. I let my goals and my dreams take priority over my marriage.
I see this in therapy sessions with couples. One or both of the individuals feel that their individual needs are more important than the needs of the couple. For a marriage to succeed, both partners need to be all in. Often by the time a couple comes to therapy, one or both have already started thinking about how life apart would be better.
The difference between couples that work through problems and those that don’t is very simple. The ones that make it refuse to see divorce as an option. At some point both of them decided to stay together and commit to it rather than use a potential divorce as a weapon. “If you (fill in the blank), I will leave.”
I am not opposed to divorce. That is a personal choice. There are lots of good reasons to end relationships: violence, abuse, unhappiness or differing values. It is a horrible thing to have to go through but sometimes it is necessary. The marriages that are worth the fight are the ones that have a firm sense of commitment. I am lucky enough to have one of those marriages.
Recently I have been reflecting on my marriage. My husband has been on an adventure of a lifetime. He fulfilled his dream of running for city councillor. It was a crazy few months of knocking on doors, flyering, shaking hands and kissing babies. OK, so he didn’t actually kiss any babies because that would be creepy, but you get the idea. I have had many opportunities to watch him shine and to be the proud wife.
I started this journey with the cliche “behind every great man is a great woman.” As cheesy and condescending as the cliche is, I saw that as my role. On the days I was knocking on doors I would often stand behind my husband with the intent of letting him take the lead. This irritated him. He told me again and again to “stand beside me.” We would tease each other and at the next door I would instinctively stand behind him again. And so the conversation would circle for hours.
When I think back to the ceremony on the beach I think I missed one crucial point. The foundation of a good marriage is commitment but the joy of marriage is watching your partner’s dreams come true. It isn’t about supporting him in his goals. It is about standing beside him with the same goal.
