Here we are in the doorway of another new year. You’ve been through a loss in the last year, or two, or five, and other people are saying that by now you should be over it. In fact, you’ve been thinking that yourself.
So, how do you know it is actually time to move on?
The first thing to understand, according to grief specialist Yvonne Racine, is that grief is a natural response to any kind of loss – not just the big ones. Sure, it’s to be expected following the death of a loved one, a divorce or a job loss. But it can also happen because of a move, the death of a pet, retirement, a change in health, or even a loss of trust – and for many other reasons.
As well, losses can compound over a lifetime, resulting in grief that has never been processed.
“You know you might be experiencing unresolved grief if the same issues keep repeating themselves,” says Racine. “And, contrary to popular myth, there are no stages of grieving that state by such and such time this or that happens, or you should be done.
“It’s different for everyone and no one has the right to tell you how long it should take.”
OK, so how do you get through it? Is it just a matter of time?
“You can start by recognizing the significance of the loss in your life,” says Racine. “You need to experience your emotions and understand how the event has affected you.
“We’ve trained ourselves not to look at things and to find a million different distractions,” she adds. “That’s why people like me exist.”
Some of the grief we have can be from 20 or 30 years ago – or even longer. Racine’s own father left when she was three. “Nobody knew how to grieve. Mother had the three of us, she was pregnant, and you just soldier on.” Much later, after a series of losses with similar themes, Racine realized there was something else going on.
“Journaling can help,” she says. “Stream-of-consciousness type of writing can assist you in recognizing the thoughts associated with the loss and processing your feelings about it.”
Of course, if you need more directed support, you can seek out bereavement groups or individual counselling.
Racine offers free self-assessment workshops to help decide if you need more. Because they are free, you don’t have to know for sure whether you are actually grieving.
“If there is any question, just go.”
Racine also offers seven-week one-on-one counselling programs or eight-week group sessions. The only difference between the two is whether you like working directly with a counsellor, or prefer a group experience, which allows you to see many different types of losses and learn from each other.
Check the website www.YvonneRacine.com for the dates of upcoming workshops and the grief counselling options with Yvonne Racine.
