My birthday falls in early December, a schedule that delighted me as a child. Each year, I would catalogue my birthday presents and compare the items to my ‘must-have’ list. In the event some gift had been overlooked, I was in a great position to insist upon the item for Christmas. In just two short weeks, I had two opportunities to get what I just had to have.
While my childhood is little but a distant memory, the month of December still poses a challenge. The issue is the same: birthday and Christmas gifts, but the intent is different, as my focus is now on trying to avoid receiving any gifts for either occasion. I know that my family and friends mean well, but if they really want to give me what I want for Christmas, then give me absolutely nothing! I am tired of ‘stuff.’ The drawers in my closets are full of stuff. My closets are full of stuff. The rooms that have closets are full of stuff. As a matter of fact, the rooms without closets are also full of stuff. The basement is full of stuff, and so is the garage. My tool shed is full of stuff. My car is full of stuff, and my briefcase is also full of stuff. Even my pockets seem full of stuff.
I have so much stuff I usually don’t know what stuff I have. After using manual hedge clippers for the last 20 years, I recently discovered that I’ve had brand new electric clippers in my garage for these same 20 years. In fact, my ‘journey of discovery’ in my garage came to an abrupt halt only when the good wife suggested that a thorough search might just recover the body of Amelia Earhart. I have so much stuff that much of it is a mystery; I don’t know what kind of stuff it is, I don’t know when I got this stuff, I don’t know who gave me all this stuff, and often, I don’t even know the intended use of this stuff.
Don’t get me wrong — I’m no pack rat or a deranged hoarder; in fact, I’m notorious for throwing out anything that does not have an immediate use. However, as hard as I try, the inflow of stuff into my home exceeds the outflow. Over the years I’ve spent a king’s ransom on storage devices and equipment. Closet organizers, garage organizers, kitchen organizers, plastic organizers, shelving units, storage boxes, storage bags that can be ‘deflated’ into smaller sizes — the list is exhaustive (and exhausting).
So, to family and friends, you need to understand what I don’t need for Christmas. My ‘must-not-have’ list includes clothing, shoes, hats, food, beverages, vehicles, jewelry, audio-visual equipment, computers, games, recording devices or any other electronic devices. I have no need of canoes, kayaks, footballs, skis, boxing gloves, golf clubs, fishing rods or any other sporting equipment. I do not want cameras, phones, furniture, lawn and garden tools (or equipment), building materials, musical instruments, china, cutlery, cosmetics or colognes, recreational vehicles, kitchen appliances, puzzles, books, magazines, videos, lamps, ornaments, doors, windows, tobacco, dogs, cats, aquariums, binoculars, telescopes, maps, globes, generators, pumps, magnets, toys, hobby or craft supplies, watches, ropes, clocks, costumes, pens, pencils, canes, crutches, or a full-size Ed Stelmach blow up doll.
This year what I really want for my birthday and for Christmas is what I already have: my family, my faith, and my memories. For my readers, I hope you get (or do not get) whatever your heart desires. Merry Christmas to each and every one of you.
This Christmas, Brian McLeod has three snipers on his roof in case Santa threatens to leave any presents.
