Earlier this week, my wife and I observed the 42nd anniversary of our marriage (I would have said “celebrated” our anniversary, but I’m not sure the occasion is a celebration for my better half. In many ways, I think she’s entitled to view this as the forty-second year of her life-in-prison sentence). We had known each other for three years prior to our marriage.
Over the last few years, both my wife and I have heard numerous comments from people regarding the length of our marriage, and most of these comments have expressed amazement that we have achieved such a long lasting marriage. Initially, I had not viewed this achievement as anything of great importance, but the countless congratulations got me thinking that I might be guilty of failing to appreciate the significance of this accomplishment.
In addition to the constant congratulations, there have been an equal number of inquiries as to the “secret of our success.” Initially, my standard response to this question was that I didn’t have the foggiest clue as to why our marriage had lasted so long, but if this truly is a notable accomplishment, then most of the credit likely belongs to my wife. However, the questions continued to persist, and since this event seems so important to so many people, I decided to come up with an explanation that was more helpful than “I haven’t got a clue.” In no particular order, I suggest the following factors contributed to the longevity of our marriage:
You are a team of two, so stop saying “me and Mary,” “me and Catherine,” “me and Linda” and learn to say “Mary and I” or “Catherine and I” – in fact, use this pattern in all situations, and with all people, in addition to your wife. Putting your own name first leaves the distinct impression of an ego run wild.
She wasn’t an orphan (unless, of course, she actually was an orphan!). By this, I simply mean that she comes to the marriage while bringing along her mother, father, brothers, sisters, grandparents and assorted other family members. You had better learn how to get along with all these people, and you’ll need to work very hard to gain their respect and trust. Many of these family members have been with her since the day she was born, they are likely very important to her, and they aren’t going away, so learn how to love your mother-in-law.
Become a mind reader. Many, many women expect their husbands to understand when No means Yes, when “I don’t need that dress” means “I love that dress we just saw, but you need to insist I buy it, thus making this your decision rather than mine” and similar situations where they say one thing and mean the exact opposite. You better learn to be observant, and to really “think through” what she says. Women send out a huge number of non-verbal clues as to what they actually want – so pay attention.
Learn to say “I’m sorry”, and be sincere about your apology at the same time. A few years ago, you prided yourself on how many times you came up with the right answer. Now, you are going to be stunned by the number of times you are wrong, on a daily basis.
Finally, and perhaps most important of all, don’t expect to receive more than you are prepared to give. Far too many people approach marriage focused on them-selves, a guaranteed recipe for failure. Learn to accept the reality that on many, many days of the year, your wants and needs are not the top priority.
Yes, long marriages are not only possible, they are also wonderfully fulfilling. Just make sure your partner is being fulfilled as well.
Brian’s wife, and Brian, are residents of St. Albert.
